A Winter Reflection
I’m writing this on what would have been my dad’s 73rd birthday. The last one we got to celebrate was his 65th. I don’t remember much about it. I know we weren’t together. He likely went out for breakfast, a near-daily ritual and I’m sure we talked on the phone, at least twice, another regular habit. I’m certain I would have mailed a card and gift, but I don’t remember any of those details. There’s a lot I don’t remember since his death in 2018. Sometimes this bothers me, other times, I shrug it off. Although my grief has changed over time, I can say not a single day goes by, that I don’t think of him. Sometimes it’s a memory or a favorite song, sometimes it’s thinking about what he would say about a situation, a favorite being, “Things went sideways.” This past April, Gary and I bought our first new car. That night I found myself overcome with emotion, crying for no apparent reason. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I wanted so badly to call my dad and share the news. He was always so encouraging and supportive. I miss hearing that he’s proud of us. I didn’t have any special plans for today. Occasionally on his birthday or his death-a-versary, I will plan something specific to honor or remember him. Nothing came to mind this year, so I’ve been going about my day, walking in the morning with a friend, making banana bread, watering the garden. Then I remembered something I wrote years ago about spreading his ashes and found myself reading it again and having a good cry. And that’s exactly what I needed today…no plan, no agenda, just a fleeting memory and the time and space to say YES and watch it all unfold. This is the beauty of winter to me. Darkness, slowing down, silence……..an invitation to turn inward, for introspection and renewal. As we approach the Winter Solstice, the darkest night of the year, will you give yourself this gift? Pause. Resist the urge to move. Quiet your outer and inner world for a moment, or two. And just observe. See what rises to the surface. And if nothing else, light a candle and consider the Divine light that burns within each of us and all of creation. WINTER SOLSTICE ASHES