What Begins in the Dark
The Spring Equinox. My 47th Birthday. Earth Day. These events have all happened within the past 5 weeks. And it’s got me thinking….thinking about seeds. Not the tidy kind in packets (though I do love a new seed packet) but the ones I buried in seed trays weeks ago, ones I placed into soil, into darkness that I couldn’t fully see or control, trusting something I cannot yet name. I am thinking about darkness—not as absence, but as source. The place where green begins before it has a color, where life rehearses itself before it becomes visible. And I am thinking about what it means to begin. And to begin again. This feels especially close right now. My birthday has just passed, and another year has folded into me quietly. I don’t feel different in any dramatic way, but I do feel… in process. Still becoming. Still shedding what I no longer need. Still learning what it means to be alive in this peculiar season of time. Practice as rememberingWhen I step onto my yoga mat, I am always practicing impermanence.Every breath is a beginning. Every exhale is a letting go. And every time I come to savasana—corpse pose—I am practicing the truth I often resist; that I will not stay the same, that I cannot hold on, that even this body is always in transition. Savasana is not an ending. It is a rehearsal for surrender, the ultimate letting go. A reminder that I can lie down and be held by something larger than effort.Like the garden soil, it asks nothing of me except trust, which is no small ask. The intelligence of what is unseenJan Richardson writes in Blessing the Seed: “this blessing will require you to do some work…”The work is not only planting, stepping onto the mat, rising each morning. It is release. It is trusting what happens after we are no longer in charge of the outcome.I think about that every time I water the garden now. I think about it when nothing has yet broken through the surface. When the dirt looks unchanged and I am tempted to believe nothing is happening.But I know better—from yoga, from seasons, from years of living in a body.Stillness is not emptiness.Dormancy is not failure.Savasana is not nothing…….. Earth, body, and becomingEarth Day sits close to my birthday this year, and I feel the overlap in my bones. Both are reminders that I am part of something cyclical and larger than my individual story.The earth composts without apology. It breaks things down so they can return in new form. My body does this too, in quieter ways—cell by cell, breath by breath, year by year.Nothing stays fixed.Not gardens.Not seasons.Not me. What rises anywayRichardson promises: “this blessing will rise green and whole and new.”I hold onto that when I can’t yet see what is forming. When my garden looks like dirt and waiting. When my life feels more like surrender than clarity.Because I have learned this—on my mat, in soil, in another year of living:Something is always at work beneath what I can see.And my only real practice is to let it be.To plant what I cannot yet understand.To rest in what feels like nothing.To return again and again to beginning.And to trust that what is already in motion will, in its own time, rise.
A Winter Reflection
I’m writing this on what would have been my dad’s 73rd birthday. The last one we got to celebrate was his 65th. I don’t remember much about it. I know we weren’t together. He likely went out for breakfast, a near-daily ritual and I’m sure we talked on the phone, at least twice, another regular habit. I’m certain I would have mailed a card and gift, but I don’t remember any of those details. There’s a lot I don’t remember since his death in 2018. Sometimes this bothers me, other times, I shrug it off. Although my grief has changed over time, I can say not a single day goes by, that I don’t think of him. Sometimes it’s a memory or a favorite song, sometimes it’s thinking about what he would say about a situation, a favorite being, “Things went sideways.” This past April, Gary and I bought our first new car. That night I found myself overcome with emotion, crying for no apparent reason. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I wanted so badly to call my dad and share the news. He was always so encouraging and supportive. I miss hearing that he’s proud of us. I didn’t have any special plans for today. Occasionally on his birthday or his death-a-versary, I will plan something specific to honor or remember him. Nothing came to mind this year, so I’ve been going about my day, walking in the morning with a friend, making banana bread, watering the garden. Then I remembered something I wrote years ago about spreading his ashes and found myself reading it again and having a good cry. And that’s exactly what I needed today…no plan, no agenda, just a fleeting memory and the time and space to say YES and watch it all unfold. This is the beauty of winter to me. Darkness, slowing down, silence……..an invitation to turn inward, for introspection and renewal. As we approach the Winter Solstice, the darkest night of the year, will you give yourself this gift? Pause. Resist the urge to move. Quiet your outer and inner world for a moment, or two. And just observe. See what rises to the surface. And if nothing else, light a candle and consider the Divine light that burns within each of us and all of creation. WINTER SOLSTICE ASHES
ABUNDANCE
Back in June I talked about summer being a season of heat and energy. It’s a time known for great growth. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, today marks the Autumn Equinox, the shifting of seasons from summer to fall. Day and night are nearly equal and as we continue this seasonal shift, temperatures will cool, light will fade into darkness and the trees will change colors and shed their leaves. It’s a marvelous time! It’s also a season of harvest and I’m so excited to share with you all that I’ve been creating. I have a new logo (see above), new email address, Facebook page and a new website! I believe they better reflect my desire to serve as both a yoga teacher and death doula. I encourage you to have a look around. See what’s changed, what’s new and let me know your thoughts and questions. My yoga teachings will continue online and in-person. I will be adding communal offerings to explore mortality, death and end of life issues. And I’m available for free consultations for anyone who’s interested in talking more about what it means to Live Well & Die Wise. Summer was full! I am grateful for the experiences of travel, fulfilling times with family and friends, meaningful experiences and professional expansion and creativity. Now I am looking forward to this season of change, of slowing down, of turning inward and returning to a sense of balance and peace. A year ago I wrote this reflection on The Art of Letting Go. Have a look and consider what this season might be inviting you to. Nature is a great teacher. Let’s take our cues from Mother Earth and consider what we can release and what that might make room for.
National Yoga Month
Let’s CELEBRATE! September is National Yoga Month. It’s a time to observe all the benefits of this ancient practice. Yoga is the union of body, mind and spirit. So whether you are seeking physical, emotional or spiritual benefits, I hope you’ll consider joining me this month. If you’ve never practiced with me online and want to try a class for free, EMAIL me and I’ll send you a link. Classes are designed for all ages and abilities. Patanjali’s 8 limb path offers us a guide to living fully and authentically. The first two limbs, the Yamas and Niyamas are the ethical guidelines foundational to all yogic thought. Each online class in September will focus on one these 10 observances. Not only will they inform our practice on the mat but they will also prepare us as we live and interact with the world around us. QUICK LINKS: REGISTER FOR LIVESTREAM CLASSES
Live Well – Die Wise
Gary and I leave this Thursday for Europe. We will visit Athens for a few days then head out on an Oceania cruise for 7 nights with stops in Greece, Italy, Monaco, France and Spain. We will conclude our 2-week adventure with a few days in Barcelona. We are excited to celebrate 20 years of marriage. We both love milestones and love celebrating, so we decided to GO BIG! Neither of us have been to Athens or Barcelona and we’ve never done a cruise together. We anticipate a wonderfully relaxing time away and the opportunity to reflect on these last 2 decades and dream about what is ahead. Speaking of dreams…. many of you know my aspiration to serve those who are dying. I completed my death doula coursework in January and in February I had the privilege of spending a few weeks with my neighbor Mark. Mark had cancer and by the time I started regular visits he was bedbound and could not talk. He would write feverishly in his notebook, and I would ask questions. We spent time in silence, just being present with each other. Mark shared his thoughts on death and the afterlife. He also shared some regrets from life. He was still holding onto some shame and guilt concerning his service in the Vietnam War. And you could visibly see the toll it was taking on him. Tears flowed freely as we talked about forgiveness, especially the hard work of forgiving ourselves. In those few, short weeks, I witnessed something shift in Mark. It was as if his distress, his sorrow, began to lift and peace began to settle in. I’d like to believe Mark did forgive himself. Though I will never know for sure, he did die peacefully. About one month later, the hospice patient I had been visiting weekly since last June died. She was 96 years young and had been telling me for several weeks that she was ready to die. During our last visit this is the Send Off Prayer I shared with her: To the mystery that creates us, laughs with us, weeps with us, and who walks with us each step of our journey, energizing us when our strength fails.Today our hearts break with grief, our voices crying out words of lament.And so we ask you to please flow in and around us today as we send off [name].Help us to see through the veil of tears that there is hope for ongoing connection, that death of the body cannot sever the energy of love.Please ensure that [name] knows our love always. Please help [name] be free from pain, fear, and suffering. We wish HER a most auspicious What’s Next. May it be so. These two experiences confirmed my desire to serve in death work. I know I will have more opportunities to serve those who are actively dying. I also look forward to creating opportunities for you to talk about death, to prepare for your death (we are all going to die after all), and ultimately to live your “one wild and precious life” more fully! I wholeheartedly believe that when we confront our mortality the outcome is a more purposeful and meaningful life. Summer is a season of heat and energy. I’m looking forward to some unique opportunities to practice yoga with you on the Summer Solstice and International Day of Yoga. My business, logo and website will also be revamped this summer to better reflect my two roles: yoga teacher & death doula. I have such deep gratitude for this community and look forward to the ways our paths will continue to intersect. QUICK LINKS: REGISTER FOR LIVESTREAM CLASSES INTERNATIONAL DAY OF YOGA SUMMER SOLSTICE